I asked ChatGPT version 3.5:

Write an opening comedy monologue for a late night TV show that discusses the plot of Hamlet as if it were the day’s news.

It responded:

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Late Night News Show! I’m your host, and tonight, we’ve got some breaking news from the world of literature, or should I say, “literary drama.” Get ready for the Shakespearean scoop of the century!

Now, imagine this: You wake up, check your Elizabethan-era smartphone (which is just a parchment with quill scribbles), and what do you see? It’s all over the scrolls—Prince Hamlet is back in the headlines!

That’s right, folks, our favorite Danish prince is making waves again. It seems like every other day, he’s caught up in some family drama that makes the Kardashians look like the Brady Bunch. And the kingdom of Denmark? Well, let’s just say it’s not the happiest place on Earth.

The big story today: Hamlet’s dad, the former king, is making a cameo from the afterlife to deliver a ghostly message. Talk about an unexpected guest appearance! Apparently, he’s not too thrilled with the way things are going in the royal family. I mean, can you blame him? There’s been more backstabbing in the castle than at a Game of Thrones family reunion.

Now, Hamlet, our brooding hero, has a tough decision to make. Should he avenge his father’s death, which might involve a little regicide, or should he just write some emo poetry and call it a day? Decisions, decisions!

But that’s not all, folks. We’ve got a real “Rosencrantz and Guildenstern” situation going on. Hamlet’s got these two friends who might not be as friendly as they seem. It’s like a real-life episode of “Who Wants to Betray a Millionaire?” Can he trust them, or are they just playing the courtly version of “Survivor”?

And let’s not forget about Ophelia, Hamlet’s love interest. She’s caught in the middle of this royal mess, and I’m starting to think she might need a spa day and a therapist more than a prince. I mean, drowning herself? That’s a bit much, don’t you think?

In other news, the play’s the thing to catch the conscience of the king. That’s right, Hamlet’s decided to put on a play within a play to expose the truth about his uncle, who’s taken over the throne. It’s like Shakespeare’s version of a hidden camera prank show, but with more soliloquies.

So, there you have it, folks—Hamlet, the ultimate family drama that’s been captivating audiences for centuries. Will Hamlet get his revenge? Will Denmark ever find a stable ruler? Will someone please get Ophelia a life coach? Tune in next time for more Shakespearean shenanigans, right here on the Late Night News Show!

Is it hilarious? Does it all work? Far from it. But is it plausible? I think so. And I actually like the line about Ophelia needing a life coach, and am in a bit of awe about the aptness of its reference to a prank “but with more soliloquies.” 

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I’m not sure why I bothered to write a joke that is in the form of a joke but is not funny. I am further bothered by the fact that I am posting it.

It was in response to a news item that a Ford dealership in Chatom, Alabama, was offering a free Bible, flag, and hunting rifle with each car purchased.

Here goes, and remember that this won’t actually be funny.

So, a Jew, a Canadian, and an eco-activist walk into a car dealership. The salesperson says, “We’re having a special sale. If you buy a car, you get three special gifts: A bible, a flag, and a rifle.”

The Jew asks “What type of bible?”

“King James,” says the salesperson.

“That’s not my type of bible,” the Jew says, and walks out.

The Canadian says, “I’m ok with the bible, but what type of flag?”

“American.”

“That’s not my type of flag,” the Canadian says, and walks out.

The eco-hippie pacifist seems not to notice and asks to be shown the most powerful, least eco-friendly car.

“Sure,” says the salesperson, slightly worried. “It’s this one. But don’t you want to know what type of rifle it is?”

“Is it high powered?” 

“It would take down a moose.”

“That’s all I need to know” says the eco-activist

“But aren’t you going to say that it’s not your  type  of rifle and leave?”

“Nope, it’s exactly my type of rifle.” says the eco-activist as she turns and puts a slug through the engine block of the car.   

“But that’s definitely not my type of car.”

YES THAT IS THE END OF THE “JOKE.”

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“Prescription Painkillers Kill More Than Heroin and Cocaine … Combined” [Liberty Voice]

“The U.S. spent more on defense in 2012 than the countries with the next 10 highest budgets … combined.” [NBC News]

“Apple Now Worth More Than Microsoft, Google … Combined” [Time Business]¹

Just when you’ve been impressed by how much bigger something is than two other things we already think are big, there’s a short pause, then: “combined!”

Gasp.

We love the “more than ___ … combined” trope. How could we not? It exists to surprise us. Are you impressed that the U.S. solar industry employs more people than the gas industry? You are? How about that it employs more than the coal industry? Even more surprised? Excellent! But wait’ll you hear this: It’s bigger than the coal and gas industries combined! Combined!! I bet you didn’t see that coming! Boom!

“More than … combined” is structured like a joke. No wonder we love it so.

¹Three dots added to each for comic timing.

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After reading Chuck Norris’ two columns against hate crimes legislation (1 2) —the “Local Law Enforcement Hate Crimes Prevention Act…could not only criminalize opinions (an unconstitutional act) but also provide elevated protection to pedophiles” — and Media Matters’ response, I think it’s time for a new round of Chuck Norris jokes:

Chuck Norris can crush facts with his bare opinions.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have to leap to conclusions. He just sits there and conclusions leap to him.

Chuck Norris thinks homosexuality is a choice, but his oiled, bare chest isn’t so sure.

You think those jokes are lame? Me too. But that’s why Chuck Norris gave us comment sections…

[Tags: chuck_norris jokes gay_rights hate_crimes ]

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Unaltered from an email going around:

One sunny day in 2009 an old man approaches the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’s been sitting on a park bench. He speaks to the U.S. Marine standing guard: “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.” The Marine looks at the man: “Sir, Mr. Bush no longer is president, and no longer resides here.” The old man says, “Okay,” and walks away.

The following day, the same man approaches the White House, says to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.” The Marine again tells the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.” The man thanks him and, again, just walks away.

The third day, the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same U. S. Marine saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.” The Marine, somewhat irritated at this point, looks hard at the man and says, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve already told you that Mr. Bush is no longer President and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”

The old man looks at the Marine: “Oh, I understand, all right. I just love hearing you say it.”

The Marine snaps to attention, salutes, and says, “See you tomorrow, sir.”

[Tags: jokes bush obama ]

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