1. It’s named a letter, a number, a letter or number spelled out as a word, or has some completely generic name, like “Hotel.”

2. The entire staff at the reception desk put together weighs less than one standard American.

3. Color in the lobby is taken as an affront to style.

4. The minibar only has liquors you’ve never heard of, except for the beer which is Bud.

5. Your room’s waste basket is so well-hidden that you don’t discover it until Day Three.

6. They would rather let the shower flood the bathroom floor than put in a shower curtain or frosted door.

7. There’s a full-length mirror in the shower.

8. There’s a window to the outside in the shower. (Not only have I been in that hotel, but the window was frosted up to waist level. Holy sexist voyeurism, Batman!)

9. Irregular furniture has sharp, shin-barking edges that are invisible at night.

10. The pad of paper on the nightstand is made out of hemp and is accompanied by an old-fashioned pencil to encourage you to be authentic.

11. The hotel restaurant (if there is one) only serves tiny, tiny food.

12. If there is a concierge, and there probably isn’t, that person is called “city coach” or “wrangler,” or anything except “concierge.”

13. If there is room service, the menu offers only kiddie food, but at adult prices: PB&J for $14, grilled American cheese on white bread for $18, and the mac ‘n’ cheese requires a credit check.

14. The TV only gets ironic channels.

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My offering has once again been passed over by the cruel gods that rule the New Yorker Caption contest.

The cartoon shows Noah’s ark filled with giraffes. Noah is talking to what seems to be a young woman. (I describe it because I can’t find a unique url for it.) The selected entries are:

1. “I wouldn’t say ‘favorite’ animal.”

2. “Mistakes were made.”

3. “I have trouble saying no.”

Here’s my rejected caption:

“That’s ok. Everyone has trouble with Excel at first.”

Ok, it’s not so great. But head to head against number 2 above, no?

Someday, Caption Contest, someday…!

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Hat tip to Reddit.

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The current finalist punchlines for the New Yorkers’ Cartoon Caption Contest have been announced, and mine was not among them. The only possible explanation is that Big Money — you know, the Boss Men, the Ward Heelers, the Gang of 50, the Backstreet Boys — have wielded their influence to lock me out once again.

For this week only you can see the cartoon in question here. For the sake of posterity and in the name of eternal justice, allow me to describe the set-up comic: A mob boss, Godfather-style, is sitting with three henchmen at a table. Standing right behind them, more or less also at the table, is a horse dressed in a suit, ridden by a NYC-style mounted policeman. All are facing forward and all seem to be listening to the boss. High-larious just by itself!

The three finalists are:

1. I smell a horse

2. I hope they don’t crack. The cops are riding him pretty hard.

3. Because PETA said we can’t whack him.

As the quality of the finalists show, this was not a fecund cartoon. Indeed, there is, of course, only one correct punchline, which I courteously supplied:

“And the last item on the agenda: We have to look into this new Preakness Protection Program we’ve been hearing about.”

Look, I’m not saying that The New Yorker owes me anything. No, it’s Justice, Truth, and Science that are saying so.

In any event, I’m voting for #3.

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Sure, laugh, but what an opportunity! We need an app that lets you adjust the size of an on-screen grid in order to guide your knife cuts. Everyone becomes a master chef! Million dollar idea! I give it to you for free!

(Hat tip to Bob Morris and Gregor Hagedorn.)

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NASA, getting all sciency on us, is apparently sitting on a potentially historic discovery by the Curiosity rover on Mars until further tests can confirm it.

Confirm shmonfirm! This is the Internet! What do you think Curiosity has discovered on Mars?

An AOL CD offering 500 free hours?

• OJ’s footprint?

• A copy of Ray Bradbury’s “The Earthling Chronicles”?

• A black slab with “BRB” written on it?

• ….?

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Moving Day in Boston ought to be declared a holiday since no one can get to work anyway. The streets are chockablock (and the blocks are chockastreet) with vat migrating herds of UHauls.

To make matters worse, I can’t tell if this sign means what it says or means the opposite of what it says:

I’m leaning toward the opposite: You don’t threaten to tow cars that are in motion. And if it just meant to say “No standing” for any car, it wouldn’t have put in the clause about moving cars. I think.

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It has been bruited about that maybe Yahoo has hired Marissa Mayer, employee #20 at Google, in order to get acquired by Google. I cannot see the sense in that as an acquisition tactic, but it has led to further speculation that Google is interested in Yahoo for its patents.

Now that makes sense! In fact, here are just four of the many valuable patents Google would acquire from Yahoo:

• US PATENT 893749039 Improving the rapidity of the embarrassment of a corporate board through non-vetting techniques

• US PATENT 989209374 Significantly depressing corporate value by the refusal of no-brainer acquisition offers through the innovative application of self-importance

• US PATENT 463874738 A new calculus of corporate value that rewards the acquisition, mishandling, and abrupt closure of genuinely innovative services with loyal user bases.

• US PATENT 784789909 Techniques for the alienation of a company user base by re-imagining customers as consumers and services as Big C Content.

(The truth is that I have a soft spot for Yahoo as one of the original engineer-led sites, and I hope Marissa can lead it back from the brink.)

Hanan Cohen points to DearMarissaMayer.com. I’m more ambitious than that; I’d substitute “Yahoo” for “Flickr” on that site.

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The DSM — the psychiatric tome that lists diagnosable (and thus billable) disorders — is being overhauled. Famously, in an earlier edition, homosexuality stopped being counted as a disease. I have some hopes that some illnesses of the Internet will be formally recognized:

Internet Conceptual Infantilization: Sufferers believe what they read on the Internet simply because it is on the Internet.

Wikiperfectionism: Sufferers engage in pitched battles over small questions to which there is no conceivable right answer. Also known (rarely) as “Disproportioniki.”

Narcissistic Hypothetical Opportunism (“Craig’s Disease”): Sufferers believe more than 50% of Craigslist Missed Connections ads apply to them, even when they refer to someone of a different body type, hair color, race, or time zone.

Blogger’s Phantasm: The unsubstantiated belief, exhibited in a writing style characterized by heightened expression, that a lot of people both read and care about your blog. It’s true, my dawgs!

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