Shouldn’t someone tell them that this logo reads “Herpes of Annihilated Empires”? [Tags: games]

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Washington DC — FCC Chair Kevin Martin has announced that in addition to auctioning off rights to spectrum—ranges of radio wave frequencies, also known as “colors”—the FCC will in January begin auctioning off the eleven dimensions discovered by string theorists. Winners will have exclusive rights to all property and activity in those dimensions.

The dimensions include:

Bidding begins January 2. [Tags: fcc spectrum telecommunications humor ]

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Gosh! I’m so excited. I know everyone says this, but I really wasn’t expecting to win. There are so many great, great other nominees. It’s really just a privilege to be nominated with them.

But, gosh, I won. I won!!!! I wish I’d listened to mom and prepared something better. Hi, Mom. I love you!

An award like this really shouldn’t go to one person. Everyone involved in the project deserves the credit. Without them, I wouldn’t be here. Really. Every one of you. I’m so worried I’ll leave someone out, but, well, I’d like to thank Baija Aa, Banta Aa, Baroni Aa, Basilia Aa… [Tags: time person_of_the_year humor]

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Discover magazine runs two letters this month that bring up two more problems with the International Astronomical Union’s criteria for planets. Jerry Svoboda points out that because Neptune’s orbit is crossed by Pluto, Neptune fails to “clear its zone,” thus failing one criterion for planethood. Brett Bochner argues (in a reductio ad absurdum sort of way) that Jupiter is 300 times larger than the Earth and is made almost entirely of gas, and thus shouldn’t be lumped with the Earth.

Fortunately, I have the solution.

Everyone knows the IAU’s tortured criteria were designed to give us back as many of the nine planets as possible. Even so, the IAU failed. At best we got eight planets and one dwarf. So, let’s skip all the weird distinctions and just declare the Solar System a constellation. After all, no one says that some other star really “deserves” to be part of Ursa Major even if it means the bear now becomes a unicorn. Nope, a constellation is what we say it is, and the same is now true for the nine planets of the Solar System.

Welcome back, Pluto!

[Tags: taxonomy everything_is_miscellaneous IAU planets pluto solar_system astronomy taxonomy]

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Thomas Vander Wal at the UNC social software symposium I’m at just pointed to the way people at Amazon have tagged Kevin Federline. Pretty funny.

[Tags: everything_is_miscellaneous taxonomy thomas_vander_wal kevin_federline k-fed amazon]

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Mark Dionne points out that emailweb.us—a service that delivers fully-formatted Web pages via email—charges $18 per year, but waives the fee if you can answer 10 of 12 questions about the Gospel According to Matthew correctly. [Tags: emailweb religion]

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Never has Euan Semple’s The Obvious blog been so aptly named. You’ll have to go to his site to see a not-to-be-missed snippet of English as it was never meant to be uttered… [Tags: euan_semple academics]

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“All Things Considered” yesterday ran what was perhaps my oddest commentary. I’m not even sure what it was about.

Also, I was interviewed by “Here and Now,” an NPR news-and-culture show, about SecondLife, along with Gary Goldberger from Games for Change. I didn’t think I did a very good job explaining what SecondLife is, mainly because I was so intent on getting across that it’s a platform where people can build what they want. It’ll air on Friday. So, remember: To air is human, to forgive, divine. [Tags: npr commentaries humor secondlife all_things_considered here_and_now ]

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Unfortunately, due to the accelerated pace of the Internet, my political opponents unearthed a fact about my past that looks more damning than it was, I denied it, new evidence showed that I was not being completely forthright, the story mushroomed, and as a result, this morning I reluctantly announce I am no longer a candidate for the presidency of this great land.

My campaign is over, but the dream lives on in the hearts of all of you, my supporters. Your hard work has touched my heart. I have learned so much about America in the long six minutes of my candidacy. I will never forget you.

God bless America. [Tags: politics humor]

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My platform:

Let’s lower our national expectations to something a little more reasonable.

Declare victory in Phase One of the war on terrorism (Operation Big Wounded Bear Swinging Its Arms) and begin Phase Two (Operation Being Smart About It).

End the current superstitious rituals at airport security that any fifteen year old could figure out how to get around. Instead, require every passenger to rub a lucky rabbit foot.

Pass SHANANA: Stop the Hilarious Absurdity: No Acronyms Naming Anything act.

Resuscitate humility.

Stop asking G-d to bless us after every speech. He doesn’t like needy people.

Put the “pro-life” back into “nuclear non-proliferation” by unilaterally scrapping all of our nuclear weapons.

New high priority task for the Army Corps of Engineers: Build drive-in movies. Everyone loves drive-ins.

New policy about gays in the military: “Don’t Ask, Don’t Care. Be Fabulous.”

Start a distributed Peace Corps. Step two: Figure out what that means.

All test drives of SUVs must contain a segment in which they drive under water. (Playing the taped message from Al Gore is optional.)

Tough new copyright law provides works with a full fifteen years of protection…one more than our Founding Parental Units intended.

Printed newspapers by law will have to backdate themselves one day.

Increase national curiosity.

Government offices will use open source software unless they’re being punished.

I’m tired of tough justice. Let’s get some tender-hearted judges on the bench.

Since we’re not trying to turn out standard kids, why do we educate them to pass standardized tests? New option: To get a high school diploma, either pass a standardized test or be a wiseass in public.

I’d be wrong in public. A lot. I’m good at that!

Any senior government official who does not blog has “[bureaucrat]” appended to her title.

Marijuana would be as legal as alcohol, but only until you’re 35. Frankly, after that it’s time to grow up.

Lawrence Lessig gets to work out with Susan Crawford which one heads the FCC and which goes on the Supreme Court.

Secretary of the Internet becomes the first wiki-based cabinet post.

Dick Cheney goes to jail, even if we have to plant something on him.

I will never ever clear brush on vacation. That is my solemn pledge to you, my fellow Americans. [Tags: politics humor]

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