Ah comedy! What else is as truthy?

And, on a much smaller scale, here’s someone watching an AT&T repair guy through his window. [Tags: at&t stephen_colbert telecommunications ]

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In tonight’s State of the Union address, there are some words and phrases that are bound to appear — “prevail,” “work together,” and “that our military leaders have requested” — and we could play Bingo with them, or take a shot of tequila every time they show up.

Instead, let’s play Negative Bingo in which you are given a card with phrases on it (or perhaps you should be allowed to purchase words the way you can buy search terms at Google) and you lose points for every one that does show up. (Caution: Don’t take a shot every time one of your words is not used.)

For example, here are some terms unlikely to show up in the mouth of the Great Decider tonight:

“Victory parade” “As I was reading in the Koran recently…”

“Abu Ghraib” “Raise taxes” and “to pay for” in the same sentence

“The right of women to…” “Osama Bin Laden”

“Maimed” “Thanks to Al Gore…”

Any admission of error expressed in the active voice

The terms have to have some likelihood of showing up, so you don’t get credit for Bush not using the phrases “prolapsed anus” or “I’m sorry.” In fact, different terms should be worth different amounts. A negative words market perhaps?

Anyway, what words would you put on your negative bingo card?

No need to believe me on this—much less to care—but I think I was one of the inventors of the sort of phrase-bingo people play at speeches like this. In the early 1990s, when I was at Interleaf, I created phrase bingo cards for a company meeting. I even wrote a Lisp script to generate them, which for me was like programming the lunar lander. I thought it was a new idea then, although I’m sure its eventual success was due to someone else inventing it earlier or afterwards. Anyone know the history of this epiphenomenon? [Tags: does politics bush humor bingo]

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Alternet’s got videos of O’Reilly on Colbert and Colbert on O’Reilly. [Tags: humor stephen_colbert bill_oreilly television comedy]

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My blog, like your blog, has been trawled by some suspiciously large nets. For example, yesterday I received an invitation to join the Global Petroleum Club, which is not a customer consortium or for hobbyists, but is for “oil, gas and energy professionals.” Since I am strictly an amateur, I will be declining the offer, with thanks.

A couple of messages down, I was invited to the Bathing Cultural Carnival 2007 in China. The message notes: “Cultural centers in various activities: bathing, sauna experience Museum, the Museum SPA life, health Museum springs, foot care settings health Museum, the Museum bathroom Fashion.” I’m afraid I’m not going to be live-blogging that one. [Tags: everything_is_miscellaneous humor]

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Me v. Crowd is the memoirs of a 2020 presidential candidate who ran against a wiki, and lost. [Tags: politics humor wikis ]

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A friend of mine thinks she may have sprained her back playing with the Nintendo Wii. This would be one of the first documented cases of a Wiinjury™. [Tags: wiinjury wii games]

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The Democratic Congressional Committee has posted a report card you can fill in. (Thanks for the link, Chip.) It’s a pretty bland set of questions. So, what questions would you add?

For example:

How can the Democrats show they’re as strong on terrorism as the Republicans?
a. Have Howard Dean eat Saddam Hussein’s liver on TV.
b. Reveal that Hillary served as a Navy SEAL for four years.
c. Require the candidates to work the word “pussy” into their stump speeches.
d. Prosecute more teenagers for downloading music.

What phrase would you prefer the Democrats use instead of “surge”?
a. Squander.
b. Operation Incapable of Learning.

What strategy is most likely to lead to a Democratic victory in the 2008 Presidential elections?
a. Run a campaign exactly like John Kerry’s but just 4% better this time.
b. Find a charismatic younger person, perhaps from a mixed racial background, who energizes masses of eligible non-voters with a message of hope.
c. Learn how to program electronic voting machines.

Should we impeach the bastard?
a. Yes.
b. And how!
c. And his little dog, too!

[Tags: doep puzzle politics humor]

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…it’s also Christmastime for the Jews. [Tags: christmas robert_smigel video humor]

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With yesterday’s arrest of director Gus Van Sant for driving while under the influence, Olympia Dukakis becomes the last Hollywood personage not to be charged with the crime. The Academy Award winner’s spokesperson last night said that Dukakis has no intention of getting arrested for drunk driving because she has “always been a non-conformist.” Dukakis is also rumored to have a peptic ulcer that prevents her from drinking heavily. “She just doesn’t want to support the neighborhood,” sniped Mel Gibson, whose DUI arrests have had him contribute more than 35,000 hours of community service. “Ever since the Academy Award—for Moonfrickingstruck, for Christ’s sake—she’s suddenly too big to pick up trash alongside the highway.”

Dukakis last appeared in a supporting role in The Librarian: Return to King Solomon’s Mines, a made-for-tv movie, directed by Star Trek‘s Jonathan Frakes, who was arrested for DUI in 1997, 1999, 2000, twice in 2002, and—in a bid to salvage his career—continuously since 2004. [Tags: satire dui hollywood]

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Every day in December, Dabble announces a theme and asks users to create playlists of videos that best exemplify it. Dabble users vote on them. At the end, there will be a winner of all winners who will get $500. Today’s theme is “Useless Blonde Celebrities,” although I assume videos about useless blond celebrities are also acceptable.

Some themes I’d like to see added to the contest:

Other uses of Mentos

Ways to squander a college education

The fun is in the background
Proof that there is or is not a God

Great unintentional air guitar performances

Worst. New dance steps. Ever.
No, it’s not pornography, you sick bastard [Tags: dabble video contest]

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