If I could quiz one of the tens of millions of reasonable, good-hearted Americans who oppose same-sex marriage, here are the questions I’d ask.

Set #1

Do you believe that same-sex couples can fall in love?

Is their love lesser than that of contra-sex couples?

Can same-sex couples form commitments as strong, lasting and valuable as those of contra-sex couples?

Are same-sex couples as likely as contra-sex couples to raise children well?

If yes to all of the above, what is the relevant difference between same-sex and contra-sex couples that justifies treating them differently with regard to marriage? [Note: a relevant difference is one that is relevant to the distinction in treatment. E.g., the Supreme Court decided in 1967 that race was not a relevant difference when it comes to marriage, although weight may be a relevant difference when it comes to choosing jockeys.]

Set #2

Do you believe that if same-sex couples are allowed to marry, it will affect contra-sex marriages? If so, how? Is there evidence to support this prediction?

Do you believe that which gender one finds sexually attractive is a matter of choice? Is there an element of choice in it?

If it’s a least partially an element of choice, are there reasons — other than the discriminatory culture in which we live — to make one choice over the other? That is, in a culture that didn’t discriminate, is heterosexuality a better choice than homosexuality? If so, for what type of reasons? Moral? Psychological?

If so, are the reasons to prefer heterosexuality sufficiently strong, and the overall consequences of same-sex marriage sufficiently negative, to ban same-sex marriage?

Set #3

Let’s say your daughter is 28 and has been in a loving relationship for six years with Pat, a person you’ve come to like and respect. She comes home one night and announces that Pat has popped the question and she’s accepted. She’s obviously delighted. In case #1, Pat is a man and you share your daughter’s joy. In case #2, Pat is a woman. Do you react differently? How? Is the difference in reaction justifiable? Why?

I don’t mean to state these questions as if the answers were obvious, although I’m sure my partisanship is evident. I don’t have fixed opinions about some of these questions, and I’d like to know where my thinking diverges from those who have come to a different conclusion on this issue.
Cross-posted at Loose Democracy

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