[PHONY SPOILER ALERT!!!!]

Obviously, I have no idea what will really happen in the Sopranos’ last season. Nevertheless, I approach this with a certainty that allows for no contradiction. Beyond any doubt, the following will occur. (I just enjoy setting myself up for a fall.)

Chris is a dead man. It’d be nice if they’d bring Martin Scorsese for a guest shot, so to speak, as the assassin. But it’s more likely that he’ll be killed in an ignominious way, perhaps taking a head wound after an unfortunate silicon explosion at the Badabing Club.

Carmela and Meadow survive so they can console each other. AJ, however, is going upriver. Tony will have to sell him out, perhaps to save Meadow. Or maybe Meadow sells him out. I leave that up to the writers’ discretion.

In the final episode, Tony will be sent to jail for something relatively small. His cellmate bears an uncanny resemblance to his dead mother. Tony’s psychiatrist is the only one who comes to visit him.

There’s been a lot of speculation about the Russian mobsters who hang, unresolved, over the plot returning to kill Paulie. But I think Paulie not only will live, he’ll inherit Tony’s operation.

And he’ll immediately sell it to the Russian mob. [Tags: sopranos television]

Another possibility occurred to me this morning: Christopher is forced to turn Tony in. Chris goes straight, thanks to the witness relocation program. Tony reports to jail rather blithely, saying he’ll have no trouble doing the time. As we see the gang sit leaderless and rudderless at the bar at the Baddabing, we see Tony being eyed by another prisoner whom the show has already established is out to kill him. The end.

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