Newz: Ashcroft Authorizes Newest Legal Weapon in War on Terrorism
Federal Goon Squads Called ‘Potent Weapon’

Attorney General John Ashcroft today unveiled the latest in a series of steps designed “to secure basic American values.” Homeland Defense Goon Squads will be formed in order to enforce anti-terrorist policy directives issued by the Attorney General’s office, the White House, the Office of Homeland Defense, the FBI, the Bureau of Indian Affairs or Nancy Reagan.

“All Americans understand that we are at war,” said the Attorney General in a prepared statement. “In times of war, when public safety is at stake, we can’t rely upon the old, slow means of intimidation such as midnight visits by the INS and tax audits that can literally take years. The new Federal Goon Squads will ensure that those who would thwart our freedom will not do so without taking at least some of the lumps they so reichly deserve.” [A follow-up statement corrected the misspelling of “richly.”]

Democratic reaction was swift. Tom Daschle issued a statement decrying the new move. “When our Founding Fathers created this marvelous invention we call democracy, they carefully constructed a series of checks and balances. We will not be true to their vision until and unless the Legislative branch has Goon Squads equal in number and conscience-free thuggery.”

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