Coffee Standardization & Double Punchlined Jokes
Gary Turner is proposing that Universal Beverage Code for telling vending machines exactly what beverage you would like:
Eventually, an extra milky, extra sugar decaf latte will always be number 283 regardless of which make and model of vending machine …
Oh, please sign me up for the steering committee! I can’t wait to insist that all coffees made with hot milk simply have to begin with the digit 5.
But that reminds me of the only joke I know that has two punchlines:
A new prisoner is at his first lunch. A prisoner stands up and calls out “73” and everyone laughs. Another one stands up and calls out “142” and everyone laughs. The new prisoner asks his table companion what’s going on. “Oh,” says the companion, “we’ve been here so long that we’ve memorized a book of jokes, so now we save time just by calling out the number of the joke.”
So the new prisoner figures he might as well give it a try. He stands up and confidently calls out “56.” No one laughs. “What did I do wrong?” he asks his companion.
PUNCHLINE #1: “Well, you have to know how to tell a joke,” the companion says.
PUNCHLINE #2: “We’ve heard that one before,” the companion says.
Anyone know any other jokes with multiple punchlines?
Categories: Uncategorized dw
Why did Richard Nixon have to see Deep Throat twice?
Punchline 1: Because there’s no end to that prick.
Punchline 2: Because he was trying to get it down Pat.
So which one is better?
FWIW – I think the convict joke actually has no less than three punchlines, with a slight modification:
After his first attempt falls so flat, the new prisoner waits for a few numbers to go by before trying again.
He then stands, and ventures: “793!”
The other prisoners fall about the place, laughing till it hurts, tears streaming down their faces.
“What? What’s up?” he asks his companion.
“That’s freaking hilarious mate,” his buddy says. “None of us have heard that one yet.”
A tourist in Northern Ireland is accosted in a dark alley by a man with a gun. The gunman asks: “Catholic or Protestant?”
The tourist says, “I’m Jewish.”
The gunman replies:…
PUNCHLINE #1: “Are you a Catholic Jew or a Protestant Jew?”
PUNCHLINE #2: “Well, I guess I’m the luckiest PLO man in Belfast!”
PUNCHLINE #3: “It’s your timing,” say his companion.
Shortest version of a VERY shaggy 2-punchliner:
The priest advertises for a new bell ringer, and an applicant shows up. “But my son,” the priest says, “you have no arms.” “That’s OK, Father, I can do it — let me show you.”
Up they climb to the belfry. The man leaps up at the smallest bell, smacks into it with his face. Bong! the tone rings out clear and pure. He leaps up at the second bell, ferociously smacks it with his face — Bong! Leaps for the largest bell, misses…4 stories down, splat!
Next day the priest goes to the door and there’s another armless man there: “Father, I want to apply for the bell ringer’s job.” “Oh no,” says the priest, “there was an armless man here yesterday and it turned out a tragedy.” “I know,” the man says, “he was my brother and I now have to support his family as well as mine; you’ve got to give me a chance!” With a sigh, the priest takes him to the belfry. Same as the day before:
Face first — Bong! Bong!…splat!
The police come again and the incredulous cop says “Two men falling to their death from the belfry in two days, Father? Who was this guy?” The priest says, “I never learned his name, but his face rings a bell.”
“Come on, Father,” says the cop, “you’ve got to give me more to go on than that.”
“Well,” the priest says, “I can tell you this — he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”
[thankyew, thankyew, you’ve been a great audience, I really mean that…]
How about:
PUNCHLINE #3:
“Well, jokes about THAT just aren’t funny in prison.”
Here’s another one:
PUNCHLINE #3: That was in *very* poor taste.
On the prison jokes, I heard an alternative ending:
New guy- “I noticed you aren’t laughing at all of them.”
Companion- “I haven’t been here long enough to learn them all yet.”
Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!
Hmmmm. Let’s hope nothing develops.
Lets go Ma, this ain’t no place for simple country folk!
looking for the third punchline for the armless bellringer joke