You too can host your own radio talk show! That, anyway, is the conclusion I reached after my interview with VoiceAmerica.com, “The Leader in Internet-Live Talk Radio.”

Two days ago, I got a message on my answering machine asking me if I’d be interested in hosting a talk show on “marketing and business.” A little broad and not exactly what I’d present as my area of special expertise, but apparently talk shows on dimly remembered philosophy courses and why Bush is a stinky liar just aren’t in demand. So I called the guy back. What the hell. The receptionist informed me that the guy who called is actually the personal assistant to the executive producer. She wasn’t in either. So I called back the next day and was told the guy is the personal assistant to another executive producer. In fact, he’s the close personal assistant to all the executive producers.

Today’s exec producer got on the phone and told me, in a stream into which a word could not be fitted edgewise, that he’s willing to invest $20K-30K in giving me a weekly show. I get to pick my guests and topics. He handles the marketing and sales of advertising. Of course, I do have to make a little investment of $300/week for 12 weeks, but it’s really just to keep me honest. The producer makes no promises that the show will succeeed, although his personal retention rate is 78%.

Do they have audited survey figures, I ask? Now now, that wouldn’t be fair, he replies. I might look at the figures for a show like George Lucas’ educational series and think that I’ll get numbers like that. So, no, I can’t see any figures. But, I say, I’m not that stupid; I just want to get a sense of what counts as success. No, says the producer, that might mislead me.

How did they hear about me, I ask. Apparently, they’re always on the lookout for talented people with fresh points of view. They monitor the Web, look at published articles, try to keep their ear to the ground. In other words, he’s never heard of me.

I’m sure my turning down the offer was a huge disappointment to VoiceAmerica. Believe me, I felt bad about leaving them with a gaping hole in their schedule. So, I’ll be happy to pass your name along to them. For a fee, of course.

I’m just trying to keep you honest.

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