With yesterday’s arrest of director Gus Van Sant for driving while under the influence, Olympia Dukakis becomes the last Hollywood personage not to be charged with the crime. The Academy Award winner’s spokesperson last night said that Dukakis has no intention of getting arrested for drunk driving because she has “always been a non-conformist.” Dukakis is also rumored to have a peptic ulcer that prevents her from drinking heavily. “She just doesn’t want to support the neighborhood,” sniped Mel Gibson, whose DUI arrests have had him contribute more than 35,000 hours of community service. “Ever since the Academy Award—for Moonfrickingstruck, for Christ’s sake—she’s suddenly too big to pick up trash alongside the highway.”

Dukakis last appeared in a supporting role in The Librarian: Return to King Solomon’s Mines, a made-for-tv movie, directed by Star Trek‘s Jonathan Frakes, who was arrested for DUI in 1997, 1999, 2000, twice in 2002, and—in a bid to salvage his career—continuously since 2004. [Tags: satire dui hollywood]

Categories: Uncategorized dw