My platform:

Let’s lower our national expectations to something a little more reasonable.

Declare victory in Phase One of the war on terrorism (Operation Big Wounded Bear Swinging Its Arms) and begin Phase Two (Operation Being Smart About It).

End the current superstitious rituals at airport security that any fifteen year old could figure out how to get around. Instead, require every passenger to rub a lucky rabbit foot.

Pass SHANANA: Stop the Hilarious Absurdity: No Acronyms Naming Anything act.

Resuscitate humility.

Stop asking G-d to bless us after every speech. He doesn’t like needy people.

Put the “pro-life” back into “nuclear non-proliferation” by unilaterally scrapping all of our nuclear weapons.

New high priority task for the Army Corps of Engineers: Build drive-in movies. Everyone loves drive-ins.

New policy about gays in the military: “Don’t Ask, Don’t Care. Be Fabulous.”

Start a distributed Peace Corps. Step two: Figure out what that means.

All test drives of SUVs must contain a segment in which they drive under water. (Playing the taped message from Al Gore is optional.)

Tough new copyright law provides works with a full fifteen years of protection…one more than our Founding Parental Units intended.

Printed newspapers by law will have to backdate themselves one day.

Increase national curiosity.

Government offices will use open source software unless they’re being punished.

I’m tired of tough justice. Let’s get some tender-hearted judges on the bench.

Since we’re not trying to turn out standard kids, why do we educate them to pass standardized tests? New option: To get a high school diploma, either pass a standardized test or be a wiseass in public.

I’d be wrong in public. A lot. I’m good at that!

Any senior government official who does not blog has “[bureaucrat]” appended to her title.

Marijuana would be as legal as alcohol, but only until you’re 35. Frankly, after that it’s time to grow up.

Lawrence Lessig gets to work out with Susan Crawford which one heads the FCC and which goes on the Supreme Court.

Secretary of the Internet becomes the first wiki-based cabinet post.

Dick Cheney goes to jail, even if we have to plant something on him.

I will never ever clear brush on vacation. That is my solemn pledge to you, my fellow Americans. [Tags: politics humor]

Categories: Uncategorized dw