What Not to Ask Jesus
“What would Jesus drive?“?? While I like to see the religiously-motivated jump in on the right side of the environment debate (and can someone remind me why we have to debate this at all), this phrase smacks of the Offensiveness of Marketing we’ve come to take for granted. So…
Top Ten Questions Not to Ask Jesus:
1. How many clowns would have to come out of the car before Jesus would say “How the heck do they do that?”
2. Can we assume that Jesus’ favorite Beatle is the one that dies last?
3. If Jesus were still a carpenter, would He measure twice and cut once or just go ahead and cut?
4, How long could Jesus stay married to JLo?
5. If Jesus were dieting, would he cheat on his birthday?
6. Who would be Jesus’ favorite post-WWII US president (besides Jimmy Carter, of course)?
7. If Jesus were gay — not that He is, of course. I’m just asking if — which of the N’Sync guys would He find the hottest?
8. If Jesus and Superman fought, who would win?
9. What would Jesus choose as His PIN?
10. Mac or Linux?
Categories: Uncategorized dw
Would Jesus convert the imported bottled water the next time he is at a wedding and the bartenders run out of wine?
David, you know why we have a debate. It’s because both the question and the answers are complicated.
I commute to work by bike and bus, but not for ‘environmental purity’ reasons, but because it gives me some exercise, and I prefer sitting on a bus for 35 minutes with an iBook and a clutch of cached webpages to read to sitting in a car for 25 minutes with nothing but the radio, and having to steer the damned thing too.
I agree that it’s complex, Kevin. That’s why the “What would Jesus drive?” question amuses and perturbs me. It ignores the complex context in which Jesus (or anyone) makes decisions such as what car to drive.
But I would ask Homer Simpson’s question:
“Can Jesus microwave a burrito so hot that even he himself can’t eat it?”
And with that I go back to beating my head against the hard, hard covers of the books I’m supposed to be writing about.
1. None – he would already know both the number in the car, how the heck they did it – and why.
2. Probably. Which would seem to point to Ringo as most likely ‘Beatles Survivor’ in this case. The other bloke has a songwriting credit on Jesus’ least favourite track: “Hey Jude”
3. He’d just go ahead and cut. Not only that – he’d just go ahead and assemble the Ikea bookshelves without having to decipher the instructions.
4. I give him 9 months – tops. I mean, he may be the Son of God and everything, but no one can handle that kind of punishment for long…
5. Hmmm…I figure he’d go for blow out on the turkey, but politely decline the third round of After Eight mints.
6. Josiah Bartlett. All the rest have demonstrated various degrees of scumbaggery. And Bartlett gave “Dad” a really good ass-kicking in the episode where they buried Mrs. Landingham. I’m sure that scored major points with Junior…
7. If he were, which we’re not suggesting here for a minute, of course, I’m sure the answer would be none of them. Gay Jesus would favour a real man over one of those peroxide nances, any day.
8. Superman would later succumb to crushing remorse at having conquered the Son of God and would devote the rest of his days to even-more-than-usually charitable endeavours. Jesus would bounce back with a ‘fooled ya’ look on his face and punch Superman playfully on the shoulder.
9. Duh-uh. 4674 (I.N.R.I)
10. Stained Glass Windows.
Linkage
Dood. I have WAY too many links built up in my BlogLinks email folder. So here we go! A semi-random sampling of old links I thought y’all should see! How To Deconstruct Almost Anything: My Postmodern Adventure – hilarious essay…
i like the 10 questions, it shows imagination(some anyway) and the kind of sacrelious boldness you dont find amoungst ordinary god-fearing wimps out running the streets!
i am jesus hear me roar