I thought I said I thought
I was interviewed yesterday by a radio station in the area of the US with “big states with pointy corners,” as the host put it. It went fine, except for one patch. “Isn’t it easier to come out of the closet on the Web?” the host asked.
Here’s what went through my mind:
|
Thought |
Said |
| I don’t know anything about this. And I don’t know why he’s asking about gays in particular. So, take it up a level of generality. | The Web makes it remarkably easy for any group — gays or breast cancer sufferers… |
| Uh oh! Don’t put gays together with women with breast cancer as if homosexuality were a disease. | …or model train enthusiasts — |
| Uh oh! Trivialized it! | to find other people with shared interests, to talk in their own voice, … |
| Try to de-trivialize it! Use a word with a vaguely sexual connotation. | to share their passions. |
The host then asked, “But isn’t it easier for gays to come out online?”
| |
|
| Why is he insisting on talking about gays? Is this a gay-themed show? Well, I don’t want to pronounce on this topic any more than I want to say what it’s like to be a Moslem online or a recovering alcoholic online. I don’t have the standing to talk about this. But I don’t want to sound like this is a topic that I have a personal problem with. I mean, I’m 51 so I grew up homophobic like everyone else in my generation, including the gays. But I’m pretty sincerely over that now. It’s odd how now being a Real Man means being able to talk about homosexuality whereas in the bad old days, a man who talked about homosexuality without using the word “fag” or “queer” was considered to be a little “light in the loafers” himself. What a weird phrase. Anyway, this is a really complex question to which I don’t even have simple answers. But, what’s the harm in admitting that I don’t have an opinion on this? Isn’t it good to model public ignorance? | I don’t know. |
And so I probably sounded either homophobic or so conflicted about my own sexuality that I’m unable to talk about it. Oh well.
Ten minutes later, I found myself thinking about what I should have said:
| I don’t have the personal standing to talk about this. But I know it’s a very complex question. Yes, the anonymity of the Web may make it easier for someone to acknowledge something difficult to acknowledge in the real world. But coming out of the closet must be a really complex decision, different for each person. Are you admitting to what you think is a flaw or are you embracing as positive something you had once seen as a flaw? Were you in the closet because you had internalized shame or because you were afraid of the consequences? By coming out, are you owning up to yourself for the first time or working on altering your social relationships or both? All those factors and more will bear on whether coming out in the anonymous public of the Web is easier or harder and also whether it brings the same sort of satisfaction or healing or joy that coming out in the real world does.
I just don’t know. |
For the record, how homophobic was I growing up in the ’50s and ’60s? Enough to worry as a teenager that I might be queer. Not enough to ever call someone “queer.” Enough so that about a third of my circle of hippie friends in college waited until they graduated to come out of the closet. Not enough to change the way I felt about those friends. Enough so that I had some very stupid cocktail chatter as a graduate student about why gays weren’t taking enough risks in their loving because no child could result (ah, the days before AIDS). Not enough to keep talking when my housemate came out of the closet. Enough, plenty enough.
Categories: Uncategorized dw
