Newz: Anthraxian Made Error, says WSJ

The Wall Street Journal today reports that the person who sent anthrax in the mail made an error: he or she neglected to remove the electrostatic charge from the powder. As a result, it clings to surfaces rather than dispersing far more widely via air currents.

The Journal goes on to list other mistakes made by the bioterrorists: They could have contaminated much more mail if they’d used an envelope with small pinholes in it which could easily have been accomplished by running the envelope through a Singer sewing machine using a #6 needle and the “Colonial Crosshatch” setting. (Don’t forget to leave the thread unattached to the bobbin!) Also, the Jounal says that the envelope would have been routed through many more substations, substantially increasing the number of deaths, if the barely competent bioterrorists had figured out — duh! — that they should make the city not match the zip code. Also, they should have sent it from the mailbox on the corner of Lopate and Elm in East Larchmont on any Friday or Saturday, which is when postal employee Jim McCahey makes his run, because Jim is like real sloppy and if he can’t figure out that 98 Lopate isn’t the same as 96 Lopate and keeps delivering Teen People to a house that obviously doesn’t have any kids in it, then he probably wouldn’t notice that his hands were covered with white powder anyway. That’s how lame Jim McCahey is.

In a related editorial, the Wall Street Journal maintained that it could have done a much better job of it.

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UN AIDS

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Newz: Outraged Parents Sue Ultra-Violent Reality Makers

Outraged parents in South Orange New Jersey today filed suit against a consortium of terrorists, militants and fanatics, claiming that their children’s interaction with the images of extreme violence is leading them to more violent gaming, television and movies.

“We have nothing against dramatic news or even the use of violence when it’s justified for narrative purposes and when the consequences of violence are shown,” said red-faced soccer mom Suzie Nielsen. “But they’ve gone too far. And every parent knows it.”

As evidence of the effect of violent reality on video games and movies, Nielsen distributed newspaper reports that Sylvester Stallone is seriously considering making a fourth Rambo movie in which he tracks down Osama Bin Laden. “Why can’t we go back to a time when reality was simpler, kinder and more child-friendly?” asked Nielsen.

“Every parent knows,” said Nielsen, “that if children see enough violent images in reality, it inurs them to violence in games and movies. I hold those irresponsible terrorists and extremists directly responsible for Steven Seagal’s comeback. For shame, for shame.”

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Newz: Ashcroft Authorizes Newest Legal Weapon in War on Terrorism
Federal Goon Squads Called ‘Potent Weapon’

Attorney General John Ashcroft today unveiled the latest in a series of steps designed “to secure basic American values.” Homeland Defense Goon Squads will be formed in order to enforce anti-terrorist policy directives issued by the Attorney General’s office, the White House, the Office of Homeland Defense, the FBI, the Bureau of Indian Affairs or Nancy Reagan.

“All Americans understand that we are at war,” said the Attorney General in a prepared statement. “In times of war, when public safety is at stake, we can’t rely upon the old, slow means of intimidation such as midnight visits by the INS and tax audits that can literally take years. The new Federal Goon Squads will ensure that those who would thwart our freedom will not do so without taking at least some of the lumps they so reichly deserve.” [A follow-up statement corrected the misspelling of “richly.”]

Democratic reaction was swift. Tom Daschle issued a statement decrying the new move. “When our Founding Fathers created this marvelous invention we call democracy, they carefully constructed a series of checks and balances. We will not be true to their vision until and unless the Legislative branch has Goon Squads equal in number and conscience-free thuggery.”

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Microsoft MVPs: The Rest of the Story

A few days ago, I mentioned the Microsoft MVPs as an example of the sort of customer-to-customer conversation that is setting expectations for all of business. Yesterday, Robert Scoble’s Scobelizer ran an article that describes Microsoft’s initial resistance to the MVP program and their new-found (and well-deserved) respect.

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UN AIDS

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A Meme in the form of a Corporate Koan

There may be no I in Team, but there’s nothing but me in a meme.

Wow, like that’s so heavy, dude!

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