20 things I’ve stolen
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I took an extra napkin from a Taco Bell for unspecified use “later.”
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I sat on a bench on a hot day, enjoying the breeze as the man next to me fanned himself.
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I read the headlines of a newspaper that was for sale in a kiosk box.
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I divided a single-serving DingDong in two, and had it for dessert on two consecutive days.
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I listened all the way through to a Metallica song emanating from my neighbor’s radio, but closed my window when the commercial came on.
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I remembered the movie times in my newspaper from the day before so I wouldn’t have to buy a copy of the paper today.
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When a friend’s cat chose my lap to sit in, I petted it, precisely to discourage it from moving to the lap of its rightful owner.
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I said “What a long, strange trip it’s been” without air quotes.
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On the Amtrak “quiet car,” I listened to a man in the seat ahead of me explaining to the bored woman next to him how he gets such a great shine on his shoes. I have since used his technique, successfully.
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I have stared carefully at reproductions of great paintings.
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I asked for and received a “tasting spoon” of mint pistachio ice cream, anticipating, correctly, that I would not like it.
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I smelled the aromatherapy candles through their wrappings at the Stop ‘n’ Shop.
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Frequently have I browsed stores with absolutely no intent to purchase. On some such occasions, I have felt fabrics I did not intend to buy.
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I placed a bag on the seat next to me on the subway.
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I continued to wear in public running shoes after the Nike “swoosh” wore off.
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In a Italian restaurant, I entered their “win a free lunch” contest by putting into the jar a business card from a job I had recently left, with my new phone number written in by hand.
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I have retold the joke about the man who meets a pirate in a bar without ever once explicitly acknowledging that I was not its author.
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I gazed with lust at another man’s bikini-clad wife.
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I deeply inhaled the smell of popcorn in a movie theater, but I did not buy any.
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One late summer evening, I purposefully and with intent committed to memory the purple of the clouds. That I still remember the edge of the chill was unpremeditated, however.
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